


'tho much is taken, much abides

by splendidlyimperfect



Series: wwtdp 2018 [7]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexuality, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gray's a bit oblivious, Grief/Mourning, Loneliness, M/M, Natsu just loves him so much, Tumblr: FTLGBTales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-07-21 01:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16149347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Ever since Gray's wife passed away, he's been retreating into his own lonely world. When his sister encourages him to take a dance class, he meets an intriguing man named Natsu who immediately becomes a fixture in Gray's life. He and Natsu quickly become close, and Gray struggles with the confusing emotions he's starting to feel. As he wrestles with his grief over his wife's death and denies the new feelings he has for his best friend, his world starts to get more complicated.





	1. there gloom the dark, broad seas

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from my favorite poem, 'Ulysses' by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
> 
> Written for #wwtdp, week 4, day 28, prompt: this is who we are  
>  [published early so entire work can be added to collection on oct 28]

Gray stood hesitantly in the corner of the classroom, pretending to check his pockets for the hundredth time as he glanced around. There were more people here than he’d been expecting, and he wondered once again how Cana had convinced him to sign up for a dance class. His stomach churned uncomfortably. 

“All right, everybody come line up in the center and we’ll get started!” A tall woman with a shock of red hair clapped her hands, gesturing to a line in the middle of the room. Gray shuffled forward hesitantly, following the other men to stand along the right side of the class. Everyone here appeared to be his age, which was a relief.  

“Seriously?” Gray glanced over to the man that stood beside him – a heavyset guy who had a scowl on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. Looking down the line of couples, Gray realized why he was angry. Everyone in the line was perfectly matched until them.  

“Guess we’re, um, stuck together, hey?” Gray cursed the uncertainty in his voice, trying to ignore the look of discomfort on the man’s face. The dance instructor walked down the line, giving them a wide smile.  

“Gentlemen, this is the first time we have ever had more men than women in this class,” she said cheerfully. Gray tried to laugh, hoping it didn’t sound too forced. Gods, what had he been thinking? Interacting with people was...not ideal.  

“It’s fine,” he said, tapping his fingers against his palm.  

“If you two wouldn’t mind pairing up, at least for the first portion?” The instructor raised her eyebrows, and Gray glanced over at the other man, who was still scowling.  

“I don’t think so,” the man growled, backing away from the lineup. Gray’s stomach twisted, an embarrassed flush rising to his cheeks. Everyone was staring at them now, curious murmurs floating through the class. Gray clenched his fists, looking down at the ground and hoping his cheeks weren’t too red.  

“I’ll switch.” Gray glanced up to see another man with surprisingly pink hair – for a man his age – step away from his partner and walk over to them. His smile was wide and he held a hand out to Gray, pretending to bow. ”Good sir.”  

“Oh. Um.” Gray took the man’s hand, hoping his palms weren’t too sweaty. “Th-thanks.” The man grinned, nodding at the instructor and then turning back to Gray.  

“I’m Natsu,” he said. “Hope you don’t mind me cutting in.”   

“Yeah, um, I mean no. I don’t. Mind.” Gray bit the inside of his cheek.  _Not now, anxiety,_ he thought, focusing on the blue-and-purple pattern of Natsu’s shirt. He was so...bright. “I’m, uh, Gray.” He realized that they were still basically holding hands and considered letting go, but was distracted by the instructor starting the lesson.  

Ten minutes later they were practicing the steps. It had been a bit of a shuffle to figure out whose hands went where, but Gray ended up leading. It had been a long time since he’d danced – Amy had loved it, but in her last few years she’d struggled to stand, never mind move like this.  

“You’re good,” Natsu commented, wincing as he stepped on Gray’s foot for the fifth time. “Sorry, I’m a bit of a klutz.” Gray chuckled, nudging Natsu’s hip to encourage him to move. He’d never danced with a man before, but it wasn’t as awkward as he’d been expecting it to be. The initial anxiety he’d felt was ebbing away, bit by bit, and Natsu’s awkwardness actually helped. 

“You’re doing fine,” Gray reassured him, letting the tempo of the music guide his movements. Natsu didn’t take too long to catch on, and while his steps were slightly less smooth than Gray’s, they ended up moving together nicely. “See? Not so hard.” Natsu laughed.  

“You done this before?” He asked, tipping his head and raising his eyebrows. “’cause I think that’s cheating. This class is supposed to be for beginners.” He gestured around them to the other couples who were struggling to make it through the basic steps, then winked at Gray.  

Gray shook his head, laughing. “My...wife and I, we...” He paused. “We used to dance. But it’s been a long time.” He caught Natsu glancing down at the bare finger on his left hand. “She passed away a few years ago,” he explained, and Natsu’s expression softened.  

“I’m sorry,” he said earnestly, looking Gray in the eyes. Gray appreciated that. Most people didn’t look at him when they gave their condolences. “So the two of you did ballroom dancing?”  

“Yeah,” Gray said, smiling at the memory of twirling Amy around at their wedding. He nudged Natsu gently to avoid another couple who were having significantly less success than them. “Nothing fancy, just...” He sighed, feeling that slight pang in his chest that he got whenever he thought of her. It used to be a twisting, raging sea of grief, but the years had made it manageable. He shook his head. “What about you? First time here?”  

“You couldn’t tell?” Natsu stumbled a little and Gray caught his hip, pulling him back up by his hand. “Gods, thank you. I’m not very coordinated. I’m really only here ‘cause my friend thought I needed to get out more.” Gray snorted.  

“Yeah, my sister’s the same.” Gray pulled Natsu a little closer and tried a slow spin, but their arms caught together and Natsu fell against him, laughing. “You really are hopeless,” Gray said, smiling and helping Natsu back to his feet. “You’re lucky we got stuck together, I can’t see you leading.”  

“Hey, ladies can lead just fine,” Natsu protested, glancing around the class. “And maybe that’s why I switched. I was gonna ask my partner to lead anyway.” Gray shook his head as they made their way back to their original position and dropped hands as the music stopped. “Thank you, sir,” Natsu said, mock bowing to Gray again.  

“You’re ridiculous,” Gray muttered, but returned the gesture.  

As the class dispersed, they continued to stand there, Gray feeling like he should leave but also not wanting to. It had only been half an hour, but for the first time since Amy passed, he hadn’t felt lonely.  

“I guess I’ll see you next week?” Natsu said eventually, pushing the hair out of his eyes. Gray nodded, feeling the ache starting to slide into his chest again.  

“Yeah,” he said, smiling as Natsu turned to head for the door. “Yeah, see you.”  

 

* * *

 

There were an equal number of men and women in the next week’s class. Gray was surprised at the pang of disappointment he felt – he could just as easily get along with his new partner, right? But Leanne was loud, and she filled every space between them with words and words and words. By the time the class ended, Gray knew all about her daughter, the PTA bake sale coming up next week, and the unreasonable price of gymnastics classes in this neighborhood.  

He sighed, reaching for his jacket. Maybe Cana would come over tonight and have supper with him. It felt so strange to sit at the table by himself. The weeks after Amy’s death he’d found himself setting two places by accident, then breaking down in tears once he realized what he’d done.  

“Hey, how’s it goin’?” Natsu bumped Gray with his elbow as he tugged his scarf around his neck, tucking it into his jacket. Gray smiled, pulling on his gloves.  

“Not bad. How was today?” He hadn’t been able to see much of Natsu in the crowd of people.  

“Ugh, she didn’t wanna lead, and then complained about me not knowing the steps.” Natsu rolled his eyes, tucking his hands in his pockets. “I have no idea why Lucy thought this would be a good place to...” He trailed off, sighing. “Anyway. So, this might be a bit weird, but I’ve been told I need to learn to make friends, and you seem like the least...uh, boring person here?” Gray snorted. “Do you wanna come grab a drink at the pub?”  

“Oh.” Gray blinked, surprised. He’d never had many friends, even before Amy’s death – most of their friends had been other married couples. After everything they went through, none of those people kept in touch with Gray anymore. And Cana  _did_ keep telling him to get out and socialize. “Yeah, sure. Let’s...yeah.”  

The pub was noisy and full of people who were uncomfortably younger than them, but Natsu didn’t seem to mind. They shouted over the din of the music and people cheering at the hockey game, and after a couple rounds of beer Gray was feeling slightly fuzzy.  

“I think I need to call it a night!” He shouted eventually after looking at his watch and realizing it was past midnight. Natsu grinned and stood up from his stool, wobbling slightly before righting himself. He grabbed Gray’s arm and helped him down, gesturing for the door and following him out of the pub. 

“Cab?” Natsu asked, gesturing to the lineup of yellow cars outside the building. Gray nodded, still feeling light-headed from the drinks. He could come back and pick up his car tomorrow. “Hey, thanks for...coming with me.” Natsu grinned at him, then buried his face in his scarf.  

“Yeah,” Gray said, smiling and waving at one of the taxis. “Thank you.”  

Before he realized what was happening, Natsu had reached over and pulled him into a one-armed hug. Gray’s startled reaction was dulled by the alcohol, but instead of pulling away, he brought his hands down to rest on the other man’s shoulders. There was a warm feeling in his chest as the touch, something he hadn’t felt... 

“Gods, sorry.” Natsu pulled away and rubbed at his face, clearly embarrassed. “I didn’t mean...I’m just a bit of-”  

“It’s fine,” Gray reassured him, blinking a few times to clear his mind. Natsu looked sheepish and Gray shook his head. “It’s...it’s fine.”  

Natsu nodded, gesturing behind Gray to the cab that had pulled up for him. Gray waved awkwardly, backing up and bumping into the door of the vehicle. Natsu snorted, shaking his head and shouting out, “see you next week!”  

 

* * *

 

_See you next week_ became a thing – finish class, then head over to the pub. They were rarely matched up in dance class anymore, something which Natsu complained about vocally the third or fourth time they’d gone for drinks.  

“Why’s it gotta be like that?” he grumbled, shaking his head. “Not all men like women.” Gray frowned, taking a sip of his beer.  

“I do,” he said simply. Natsu laughed a little, turning to look at him.  

“I know,” he replied, leaning back on his elbow on the bar. He was silent for a moment and a thread of realization slipped its way into Gray’s mind.  

“You...don’t.” Natsu didn’t answer right away, just looked down into his drink.  

“No,” he said eventually. “No, I don’t.” His voice was steady but he was tapping his foot anxiously against the bar stool. Did Natsu care what he thought?  

“That’s...nothing wrong with that,” Gray said after a minute, nudging Natsu with his knee. “It’s...all good.” Natsu nodded, still bouncing his leg, and Gray frowned, realizing he’d never asked Natsu if he was in a relationship. “Do you have a...”  

“No.” Natsu gave him a half smile and finished off his beer, gesturing for the bartender to bring him another one. “Just me.” He looked at Gray curiously. “What was your wife’s name?”  

The question hit Gray, not as hard as it once would have, but enough that it made him take a deep breath. His thumb went to where his wedding ring once sat and mourned its absence. Gray had decided not to wear it anymore – it had been five years since she passed, and it didn’t feel right.  

“Amy,” he said after a moment, realizing that Natsu had waited out the painfully awkward silence that had fallen between them. “She was an engineer.” Natsu raised his eyebrows, impressed. Gray smiled. ”Always smarter than me. We met in college.”  

“You were together for a long time, then,” Natsu said softly. Gray nodded, still caught up in his thoughts.  

“Seventeen years,” he said, thinking of their last anniversary. She’d been too sick to go anywhere, and they’d spent the day watching terrible comedies and eating Chinese takeout. “She had cancer.” That word was easier to say, now.   

“That’s shitty.” Gray looked up in surprise to see Natsu giving him a look that was a mix of sympathy and frustration. “Cancer’s a bitch. My mom had it too.” Gray shook his head sadly. Natsu sighed, holding out his glass. “To Amy?”  

Gray felt like crying, suddenly, but not tears of grief. He felt a smile creeping onto his lips as he touched his glass to Natsu’s.  

“To Amy.”  


	2. how dull it is to pause, to make an end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsu disappears for a bit, and Gray is more disappointed than he'd expected. With the anniversary of Amy's death fast approaching, he's feeling lonelier than ever...

Natsu didn’t show up for the next two dance classes, and Gray was surprised by the disappointment he felt both times. They’d been hanging out for over a month now, and it had started to become a fixture in Gray’s week. 

“You wanna grab takeout tonight?” Cana’s voice was crackly through the car speakers. Gray flicked on his signal and pulled out of his work’s parking lot, sighing at the lineup of traffic that blocked his way home. 

“Sure, but I’ll probably be at least forty-five minutes,” he said, rubbing his face. His temples were throbbing and he was tempted to just tell her no and go home, but he hadn’t seen his sister in over a month. “I can pick up the food.” 

Nearly an hour and a half later he was at Cana’s apartment, dropping the pizza on the coffee table and grabbing himself a glass of water from the kitchen. Cana was already in her pyjamas, hair pinned up on top of her head. 

“Long day?” she asked, grabbing a slice of pizza and flopping down on the couch. “You never call anymore, you find a new girlfriend?” 

Gray tensed, shaking his head to expel the momentary flash of sadness he’d felt. He knew Cana meant well – she always did, but her attempts at helping him were usually disastrous. 

“No, I’ve been...busy,” he said, joining her on the couch. She turned and curled up against the armrest, looking at him suspiciously. 

“Busy? You?” She snorted. “Dude, the only things in your life are work and Netflix documentaries. How busy could you be?” Then her eyes widened. “The dance class! Did it work? Did you meet someone?” Gray rolled his eyes. 

“Those women are insufferable,” he said around a mouth of pizza. “They’re all single moms and all they talk about are PTA meetings and whether or not their neighbors cut their lawn often enough.” He cringed, recalling his partner earlier tonight – a loud woman who tried to convince him that climate change was a hoax. “I’ve only had one decent partner but he seems to have disappeared.” 

“He?” Cana tipped her head curiously.

“There were more men than women, I know, it’s weird, but we got paired up and he was actually really nice. A lot better than everyone else.” Gray smiled a little at the recollection of their awkward, clumsy dance. “We’ve been hanging out a bit.” Admitting that to Cana felt...strange, for some reason. 

“Gray, you made a  _friend!”_ she gushed, punching his arm. He glared at her, grabbing another slice of pizza. “What’s his name?” 

“Natsu,” Gray said. “He’s a, uh, a technician for some hotel chain, does IT work.” 

“Is he cute?” Cana grinned and Gray looked at her, exasperated. “Oh c’mon, I’m single too, y’know. Does he have a girlfriend?” The question made something flare up in Gray’s chest that he didn’t understand and he backed away from the emotion cautiously. He shook his head, frowning at Cana. 

“He’s not—” Gray hesitated. Was it appropriate for him to tell Cana that Natsu was gay? Was that something private, between them, or was Natsu out in his everyday life? Gray realized suddenly that he didn’t know much about Natsu’s life, and it made him feel...itchy. Discontented. 

“I have no idea,” he lied, deciding to keep Natsu’s secret for now. “But I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks anyway, he probably dropped the class. It was just drinks.” Something in his stomach twisted at the statement, but he ignored it. 

Cana sighed, shaking her head at Gray. “You can’t just be lonely forev—” 

Gray cut her off immediately, refusing to have this conversation again. He glanced at the television instead. “What terrible drama are we watching tonight?” 

* * *

“Gray!” 

Gray looked up from his phone to see Natsu making his way over, grin plastered on his face. A warm sensation flared up in Gray’s chest – Natsu hadn’t disappeared after all. 

“Hey,” he said as Natsu approached, then stood there, shifting awkwardly. “I, uh, thought you maybe ditched the class. Weren’t impressed enough by my dancing skills or something.” As soon as the words came out of his mouth he cringed. Gods, he was awkward. No wonder he had no friends. But Natsu laughed, dusting the snow out of his hair and shrugging off his jacket. 

“No, I got sent out of town for work,” he said. “It’s always so last-minute, and then I realized that I didn’t have your phone number so I couldn’t give you a heads up.” He rubbed his hands together, shivering a bit. “Can I, uh, should we trade numbers?” 

Gray felt a smile creeping across his face and he tried to hide it, feeling stupid. He handed his phone to Natsu to input his number. There was a strange silence as he did the same with Natsu’s phone, and Gray wasn’t sure what to make of it.

They were paired up again this class, and they both ended up laughing like idiots when Natsu tripped over another couple behind them and nearly knocked them all over. Nobody else was amused, and the other two kept shooting dirty looks at them, but Natsu kept bursting out into laughter anytime he and Gray made eye contact. 

“You’re ridiculous,” Gray half-whispered, pulling Natsu closer to him as another couple stepped into their space. For a moment they were pressed up against each other, and a soft ache spread through Gray’s chest as a memory flooded through his mind. 

_“Don’t drop me,” Amy giggled, leaning forward against Gray’s chest. He smiled and pulled her tighter, wrapping his arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to her hair. They moved together smoothly, feet sliding along the floor as he whispered in her ear._

_“I’ll never let you fall.” He let go of her waist and twirled her away from him, breath taken away once more by the way her white dress framed her curves, h_ _ow h_ _er dark hair fell around her shoulders,_ _the way_ _her eyes crinkled as she laughed. He pulled her tight again, feeling tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, resting his head on hers and sighing._

_“You’re not too bad yourself,” she murmured, resting her head against his chest and twining her fingers into the hair at the back of his neck. “Good thing we get to be together forever.“_

Oh gods.  _Forever._ The word raced around in his mind, dredging up pictures that he didn’t want to remember. Doctor’s offices, waiting rooms, bedsides. Needles, chemo, skin like tissue paper. Holding her hand as she exhaled for the last time, and feeling everything crumble around him. 

“...ay. Gray, hey, what’s wrong?” Gray blinked a few times, letting go of the memories and crashing back into the present, where Nastu’s hands were on his shoulders and he was looking at Gray with concern. “Hey, are you okay?” 

Gray swallowed, glancing around and sighing with relief that nobody was watching them. Natsu gestured for Gray to follow him to the edge of the room, where he sat down heavily on one of the plastic chairs. Natsu crouched down in front of him, hands hovering awkwardly until one came to rest gently on Gray’s knee. 

“Are you okay?” Natsu’s voice was gentle and Gray took a moment to nod, rubbing his face and squeezing his eyes shut. “You need water or something?” 

“N-no,” Gray said shakily, keeping his face covered. His cheeks were burning but his breathing was slowly returning to normal. “I’m fine. It’s—thank you.”  

“It’s okay,” Natsu replied, moving to sit on the chair next to Gray. “Is there...do you wanna talk about it? You seemed really upset.” 

Gray shook his head and continued to breathe deeply, missing the grounding contact of Natsu’s hand on his knee. Natsu must have read his mind because he settled it back there again, squeezing lightly. 

They sat there for the rest of the class in silence, Gray working through the memories slowly, one by one. They were more manageable that way. He hadn’t had a flashback like this in a long time and he felt mortified, especially in front of Natsu. However, Natsu didn’t seem to mind, just sat with him in gentle silence while he relaxed. 

As class ended, they headed over to put on their jackets and Natsu touched Gray’s arm, gently. 

“You want me to drive you home? I know we usually go down to—but we don’t have to.” There was no judgement in his eyes, just concern, and Gray looked down at ground. He definitely didn’t want to be alone right now.

“No, I... thank you.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. ”I’m okay, but... I’d rather not be alone. If that’s okay? Sorry, I just...”

“You don’t have to explain,” Natsu said, giving him a soft smile. “Just wanna make sure you’re okay. Shall we?” He moved to the door, pushing it open and holding it for Gray. 

“Yeah,” Gray said softly, putting a hand to his chest as if that would dissolve the ache. He was comforted by Natsu bumping his arm as they walked down the steps and onto the street. This was good. Being alone meant tears and sadness and hurt. But here, with Natsu – he wasn’t alone. 

* * *

“I picked up that new Avengers movie yesterday,” Natsu said as he tugged his coat over his shoulders. Gray looked up at him. 

“I haven’t seen that one,” he said, holding the door open as Natsu stepped out into the snow. It was coming down in thick flakes, sticking to the sleeves of their coats and melting almost instantly. Natsu shivered, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck. He gave Gray a contemplative look. 

“Do you want to?” The question hung in the air between them as they stood just outside the doorway to the dance studio, wind whipping the snow into flurries. Gray winced against the cold on his cheeks. 

“Oh.” He was surprised for a moment, feeling something tug at his stomach. “Uh, yeah.” For the last two and a half months they’d been spending Friday evenings at the pub, but if Gray was honest, not being around a bunch of people sounded ideal tonight. “Yeah, should – my car’s parked just up the hill. You wanna grab some takeout?” 

Natsu gave him a bright smile and gestured for him to lead the way. They bumped shoulders as they traversed the narrow sidewalk, careful not to slip on the icy patches. 

An hour later they were settled into Natsu’s apartment, Chinese food spread out over the coffee table, TV playing something uninteresting in the background. Gray wasn’t surprised to find that Natsu’s place was much like his – small, neat, and sparsely furnished. 

“...sending me to Winnipeg next week, of all places.” Natsu handed Gray a bottle of beer and sat down on the couch next to him, grabbing a plate and starting to load it up with ginger beef. “It’s gonna be colder there than here, which I’m not looking forward to.” 

“How long are you gone?” Gray asked. He took a sip of his beer and settled back against the couch cushions. 

“Two weeks,” Natsu replied around a mouthful of food. Gray felt a pang of disappointment. What was he going to do with all that time alone? He quickly shook the feeling away – up until recently, he’d been doing just fine on his own. Right? “And it’s only really when they’re implementing new systems. Boring stuff.” Natsu grinned, then grabbed the remote and switched to the DVD player.

The movie seemed interesting, but Gray found he couldn’t concentrate. Somehow, this felt so different than watching documentaries by himself at home. Another living being sitting next to him was a welcome change, and he gravitated toward Natsu’s warmth, almost unconsciously. 

By the time the film ended, they both had their feet up on the coffee table, arms pressed together, feet touching. Gray hadn’t realized how much he’d needed someone to spend time with until lately. Having a friend, someone to be  _near_  - to not be alone. He’d missed this. 

“You okay?” Natsu turned to look at him but didn’t move away. They were close enough now that Gray could see the threads of silver running through the hair at Natsu’s temples. “You seem...off.” Gray sighed. 

“This time of year is hard,” he admitted, tipping his empty beer bottle between his hands. “I know it’s been a long time, but...” 

“She died around now?” Natsu asked gently. Gray gave a soft smile. Natsu was always so forward with his questions, not avoiding words like  _death_ and  _cancer._ Even Gray’s family didn’t talk about Amy – whether for his sake or theirs, he wasn’t sure. Natsu’s openness was refreshing. 

“Yeah,” Gray said, tipping his head back and leaning against the couch. “December fifth.” Natsu made a sympathetic sound, then glanced up at the calendar. 

“Damn, I’ll be gone then,” he said, turning back to Gray. “I’d offer to spend the day with you – I mean, if you wanted company. Or, I mean, I don’t wanna assume...” 

“No, it’s fine.” Gray sighed. “I appreciate it. It would be nice, it always feels... empty.” 

“I could call you?” Natsu offered, shifting on the couch. They were still pressed together, Natsu’s warmth giving Gray a sense of comfort. “Skype, or something.” 

Gray smiled, feeling a sense of contentment flow through him. He looked over at Natsu, giving him a smile. “Yeah,” he said. “I’d like that.” 


	3. from that eternal silence, something more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the anniversary of Amy's death and Gray finds comfort from Natsu. Christmas is here and it brings a whole new mess of emotions Gray isn't ready to deal with.

“Hey, it worked!” Natsu’s face was somewhat blurry on the laptop screen, but the sound came through clear. Gray felt a smile creep across his face – when he’d woken up this morning, the heavy stone of grief had been sitting in his stomach. But now it was tempered by the brightness in Natsu’s voice. “The hotel wifi is garbage, sorry.” Natsu settled onto the bed with his legs crossed, waving at Gray. 

“How’s work?” Gray asked. He was sitting on his own bed, book facedown beside him, empty coffee cup settled next to his pillow. “Is it snowing there?” 

“It’s disgusting,” Natsu grumbled, glancing over at what Gray assumed was the window. “We’ve got a foot of snow, it’s awful and I hate it. Luckily I don’t have to go outside today.” 

“It’s not much different here,” Gray said, yawning. “But Christmas is soon, so it’s not really surprising.” He rubbed his face, shifting on the bed. He hadn’t slept well, which was unsurprising. “What are you doing for Christmas anyway?” 

“Watching ‘Die Hard’ and eating all the sugar cookies I baked in the days leading up to Christmas,” Natsu replied, laughing. Gray frowned. 

“What about your family?” The idea of Natsu sitting alone at home on Christmas day made his heart hurt. 

“Nope,” Natsu replied. He didn’t seem bothered. “Mom passed a long time ago, Dad lives down in Florida ‘cause he hates the cold. I only see him once every few years.” He reached over and grabbed his coffee from the nightstand. “My brother’s not too far away but we don’t get along.” 

Gray frowned. His own family wasn’t big, but they always spent Christmas together – he couldn’t imagine not having that during the holidays. 

“Do you want to come to my parent’s place?” The words were out of Gray’s mouth before he realized what he was saying. Was that a strange question? He couldn’t take it back now, no matter how awkward it became. Natsu looked at him, uncertain. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” Gray was sure his parents wouldn’t mind an extra person – his mom always made enough food for three families anyways. “You shouldn’t be alone."

“Well, I... thanks,” Natsu said, looking down at the bed and smiling. He fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt and Gray found himself wondering absently where he got it. It fit him well and the dark blue looked nice on him. 

“Of course,” he said, realizing that he hadn’t replied. “My, uh, my sister is a bit much, but I have a feeling you guys will get along.” 

He groaned internally as he realized that Cana would tell Natsu all sorts of embarrassing stories, or try to flirt with him. The idea made him uncomfortable for some reason. He shook his head. 

“What are you up to today?” Natsu asked, taking the subject away from Christmas. Gray sighed and ran a hand through his hair. 

“I usually go to the cemetery,” he said quietly. A deep sadness washed over him and he swallowed against the tears that suddenly pressed at his eyes. “I think my sister’s gonna come.” 

“That’s good,” Natsu said gently, moving closer to the laptop. “It’s easier when you’re not alone, hey?” 

_Everything is easier when I’m not alone,_ Gray thought. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Natsu was quiet for a moment. 

“Do you wanna talk about her?” he asked. Gray was surprised and he contemplated the question, uncertain. “If you want,” Natsu added. “I’m happy to listen.” 

So Gray did. He was hesitant at first, describing their first date back when they were in their twenties. Once he started talking about her, he found himself unable to stop. He described the way she laughed, her sense of humor, how he’d proposed, their wedding. And then the harder stuff. It stuck in his throat and hurt like hell, but for some reason he kept going. 

“It was... she was really sick for a really long time.” He swallowed heavily. “Sometimes we’d both think—” The ache expanded and he looked up at the laptop screen to see Natsu listening intently, pillow on his lap, eyes trained on Gray. “Sometimes we thought it might have been easier if it were quicker.” The words came out in a rush, something Gray had never told anyone else. 

“That’s so hard and unfair,” Natsu said quietly, and Gray could see his hands moving on the pillow, instinctively wanting to comfort with touch. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” 

“Thank you,” Gray said quietly, bringing his knees up to his chest. “She didn’t want—she wanted to be at home, not a hospital. And it just, it was so—” And then he was crying, face buried in his knees, shoulders shaking and wishing so badly that Natsu were here. 

“I’m so sorry,” Natsu murmured. “I wish I could help.” 

“You do—are,” Gray said, rubbing his eyes. “We don’t talk about her anymore. My mom and dad, my sister, we don’t... nobody talks about her.” Natsu made a sad sound. “Our friends, they just kinda, they stopped calling. And I don’t have...”  _I don’t have anyone else_ , he thought. But...

Natsu sighed, picking at threads from the pillow. “I’m always here,” he said softly. “If you need someone to... to talk to.” He looked up at Gray. “She sounds really great.” 

“She was.” There was a long silence, then Gray looked up at Natsu and smiled. “You’re back for Friday, right?” 

“Yes! Movie night?” Gray nodded. “Awesome, I’ll see you at class. You gonna be okay?” Concern was clear in Natsu’s eyes. 

“I... I think so,” Gray said slowly. He already felt better than he had half an hour ago, but visiting Amy’s grave was always hard. At least he’d have Cana with him. Talking about Amy had helped, though. “Thanks for calling me.” 

“Anytime,” Natsu said, and Gray knew that he meant it. 

After they hung up, Gray stood and stretched, walking to the foot of the bed and picking up the wedding picture that stood on the top of the dresser. He sighed, trailing his fingers over the image and then closing his eyes. 

“I miss you Amy,” he said quietly, setting the photo back down. “But I’m trying to be okay.” 

* * *

“You can’t possibly have been single your whole life.” 

It was Friday night and Natsu had offered to cook instead of getting takeout. He moved through the kitchen, mixing and frying things, while Gray sat on the couch with a beer and frowned at his friend. Natsu looked somewhat embarrassed, and focused on the onion he was cutting. “Shit, sorry, that was—” 

“Nah, it’s okay.” Natsu looked up at him, chewing his lip. He sighed, shaking his head, then exhaled. “It’s not – I've gone on dates? Dated people... sort of.” 

“Sort of?” He couldn’t remember how this conversation had started but Gray was curious now. How could Natsu have made it this far without dating  _anyone?_ He was a kind, thoughtful, good-looking man – what was there not to like? 

“I’m...” Natsu’s cheeks were turning red now and he stared intently at the cutting board. “I don’t like sex.” 

A silence hung between them while Gray processed the words. 

“Like, at all?” He asked eventually. The conversation was quickly veering into incredibly personal territory, but it didn’t feel awkward. 

Natsu shook his head. “Nope, not at all.” He scratched the back of his neck and made eye contact with Gray for just a second. “Never have. Everyone in junior high, they—I always thought something was wrong with me. And when you try to date, that’s not, it’s just not something that works out.” He sighed. “I mean, kissing and that, that’s fine, I like that. But people want more, and I just... can’t.” 

Gray was quiet for a moment, picking lint off his jeans and frowning pensively. “That’s... shitty,” he said eventually. “I’m sorry. People can suck.” 

“Nah, I don’t blame them,” Natsu said, shaking his head. “It’s something people need, I guess, and I can understand that. Being intimate like that, most people...” He trailed off. 

Gray swallowed, sorting through the thoughts in his head. He hadn’t had sex – or even masturbated – since Amy had died, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He’d only ever been with her. It had always been something so personal, so deeply familiar that it felt wrong even thinking about it with someone else.  And eventually it had become something that didn’t feel important anymore.  

“I don’t think you’re... alone,” he said eventually, sipping back the last of his beer. He wasn’t sure how much of his own thoughts he should share. He hadn’t thought about it much until Natsu brought it up. “I’m sure there’s other people out there, who, y’know, feel the same.” Natsu laughed a little, looking up at Gray. 

“By this point I’ve kinda given up,” he admitted, turning to add something to the pan on the stove. "I’ve got some friends, sometimes I hang out with the people at work. I’ve got y—” He cut himself off mid word. “Y’know, the dance class, and that was kind of a disaster cause nobody there—” 

He shook his head, ears now red, and made a frustrated sound. “Not a total disaster, I mean, ‘cause we met and that’s, that’s good. Fine.” He took a deep breath and Gray frowned. Why was Natsu getting so worked up about this? Gray had a feeling that it wasn’t fine after all, that it bothered Natsu deeply and he didn’t want to talk about how he really felt. 

Gray stood up and moved into the kitchen, looking around at the ingredients strewn over the counter. Interrupting the nervous flow of words from his friend’s mouth, he pointed at the cutting board. “Do you want some help?” 

Dinner was amazing – Gray insisted that they were never getting takeout again because Natsu would be cooking from now on – and the movie was decently interesting. But it was the company that Gray enjoyed the most. 

As the credits rolled, Gray glanced over at the clock on the bookshelf and swore. Making dinner had taken longer than he’d thought and it was already past one in the morning. “Shit, it’s late.” He glanced down at the bottle in his hand, trying to remember how many he’d had. “I probably shouldn’t drive. I can call a cab and pick up my car tomorrow?” 

Natsu was quiet for a second, also staring at the clock. “You... can stay here. If that’s easier.” He tapped his fingers against his thigh. Gray looked over to him, surprised. “I mean, tomorrow’s Saturday, it’s not like you have to go to work.” 

“Y-yeah, I guess.” Something shifted in Gray’s chest – something messy and complicated that he didn’t quite understand. He pushed it away, not feeling like dealing with complicated right now. “Are you sure?” 

“Of course!” Natsu gave him a bright smile. “I’ve got sweatpants and a shirt you can borrow, and I’m sure I’ve got an extra toothbrush around here somewhere.” 

Natsu insisted that Gray take the bed while he slept on the couch, and no amount of arguing could convince him otherwise. Eventually Gray gave up, waving goodnight to Natsu as he headed back to the living room. Gray slipped under the sheets, immediately noticing a scent that was distinctly Natsu. Coconut, maybe? At any rate, it was nice. 

As he closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of Natsu making up the couch in the living room, he let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. The comforting sensation was still there, and it cradled him into a peaceful and dreamless sleep. 

* * *

“Your friend’s pretty hot,” Cana commented, looking into the living room where Natsu was chatting with their parents. It was Christmas, and Natsu had been here less than two hours and already had Gray’s mom doting on him. “Nice ass.” 

Gray’s eyes flicked to the seat of Natsu’s pants – dark jeans that, if he was being honest, did fit his friend nicely. He rolled his eyes at his sister. 

“You could try acting your age,” he said mildly, elbowing her. She sighed and punched his arm. 

“I’m forty, not dead,” she grumbled. “I’m allowed to check out your friends.” She glanced back at Natsu. “Too bad he plays for the other team, though.” 

Gray stilled, looking over at his sister. How could she tell? He hadn’t known for weeks after they met. Was it appropriate to tell her that he already knew? 

“Come open gifts, you two!” Mika called from the living room. Cana gave Gray another look and he reached out and pinched her, then slipped past her as she cursed at him. 

Gray’s parents were sitting in their recliners on either side of the Christmas tree, which Gray and Cana had helped them decorate several weeks ago. The colorful lights made the room warm and cozy, and Natsu waved for Gray to come sit on the couch next to him. Cana looked at Gray thoughtfully, then plopped down on the floor next to their father instead. 

“Natsu can go first since he’s our guest,” Mika said, giving Natsu a fond smile. Gray felt something flutter in his stomach – a strange mix of contentment and unease. He hadn’t seen that look on his mother’s face in a while. 

Mika handed Natsu a long, flat box that Gray immediately recognized as his gift. He immediately felt flustered and he picked at his nails nervously. He'd started working on Natsu’s gift in early November, when he’d accidentally knocked over the basket that contained his knitting supplies. Knitting was something he’d picked up when Amy was sick, a way to pass time in waiting rooms or when she needed to sleep off the chemo effects. He hadn’t picked up the needles since she passed away, though, and he hoped it didn’t show. 

When Natsu pulled the scarf out of the box, his face lit up and he ran it through his fingers. It was a simple black and white pattern – Gray hadn’t felt up to anything fancy – but he’d made it from the softest wool he could find. 

“You made this?” Natsu’s voice was incredulous as he ran it through his fingers, tracing the lines of black and shaking his head. “This is... wow. Thank you.” He wrapped it around his neck and huddled into it, sighing. “It’s so soft, oh my god, I’m never taking it off.” He looked at Gray hesitantly, then leaned over and pulled him into a one-armed hug. Gray caught Cana giving him a funny look and he frowned at her, tempted to stick out his tongue. 

Natsu’s gift to him was tickets for ‘The Tempest’, a Shakespeare play that he’d mentioned wanting to see a while back. Natsu had insisted that they were for Gray and anyone, but he’d given Natsu a look and told him not to be stupid, of course they were going together.  

Several hours later they’d opened all the gifts, eaten way more turkey than was reasonable for any one person, and were now sitting in the hot tub in his parent’s back yard. Cana had joined them for a bit, them complained about the heat and headed inside. Now it was the two of them, several drinks in and feeling comfortably tipsy. The sky was perfectly clear and thousands of stars were drawing constellations above them.

“Do you ever feel afraid?” Natsu asked suddenly, voice quiet and carrying over the drifts of steam coming up from the surface of the water. His head was tipped back on the edge of the hot tub, hair plastered to the back of his neck, arms floating beside him. His feet were touching Gray’s under the water, lightly brushing against his ankle from the other side of the tub.

“Of what?” Gray asked. The smell of chlorine was filling his nose and he blinked slowly, a haze of alcohol softening the edges of his vision. The light from the house made a halo of light around Natsu’s hair and Gray suddenly wanted to touch it. 

“Just...” Natsu sighed, slipping lower into the water. “Bein’ alone, y’know. Like, I don’t—there’s nobody f-for me?” His voice was soft and sad, and Gray contemplated moving over to hug him. Something in the back of his head told him this was a bad idea, though. 

“’s not true,” he argued. “Just... gotta. Look.” He frowned. Picturing Natsu with someone else – no, someone, that’s what he meant. With someone. It made his stomach hurt. Little thoughts were starting to bubble to the surface and he groaned, taking another drink to push them away. “You’re good.” 

“Good?” Natsu blinked at him, dropping below the surface of the water and coming back up, shaking out his hair. Gray protested, holding his arm in front of his face, while Natsu laughed. 

“No, but, I mean it.” Gray’s thoughts were drifting all over the place and he tried to remember what they were talking about. Natsu. Lonely. Right. “You’re good, just, like, a good person. An’ people, they like that.” 

“They also like sex,” Natsu muttered, barely loud enough for Gray to hear it. 

“Fuck sex,” he said, louder than he’d intended. Maybe he was more than a bit tipsy. The heat from the tub wasn’t helping. “I don’t... I mean that’s just, it’s stupid. You’re  _you,_ and that’s—” 

“It’s fine,” Natsu interrupted suddenly, sitting up and kicking him gently in the shin. “You’re drunk.” There was something in his face that Gray couldn’t identify, and it frustrated him. 

“’m not.” 

“Are too.” 

“... maybe a little,” Gray admitted. Natsu snorted, shaking his head. Gray patted the edge of the hot tub next to him, tilting his head. “C’mere. Look at the stars.” He heard a shaky exhale from Natsu, then the sound of water splashing. 

“I’m, ah, I’m actually too hot,” Natsu said quietly, picking up one of the towels and wrapping it around himself. “I’m gonna go in and bug your mom for cookies.” 

As Natsu headed back into the house, Gray sunk down into the water, knowing he’d done something wrong but unable to figure out what.  _Am I scared of being alone?_ he thought fuzzily, taking another drink.  _No. Not scared. I’m terrified._                            


	4. i am a part of all that i have met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray and Natsu spend more and more time together, and it's getting harder for Gray to leave at the end of the day.

“Are you making pancakes?” Gray yawned, rubbing his eyes and making his way over to the kitchen. Natsu was standing behind the counter, pouring batter into a pan. A stack of pancakes sat next to the stove. 

“Mhmm,” he replied, tipping his head back to gesture at the coffee maker. “Coffee’s ready.” Gray slipped in behind him and grabbed two mugs, pouring one for each of them and setting Natsu’s next to him on the counter. “You sleep okay?” 

“Yeah, but I feel bad for your back,” Gray said, glancing over at the couch. A blanket and pillow were shoved in one corner, and there were still red lines on Natsu’s cheek from where the couch had pressed against him. Natsu shrugged. 

“Once a week isn’t gonna kill me,” he said, smiling and taking a sip of his coffee. He flipped the pancake in the pan with one hand and Gray raised an eyebrow, impressed. 

“Well, I mean, we can switch,” he offered. Gray had been staying over on Fridays for nearly two months now – it was easier than driving home late, and he didn’t have to worry about taking a cab if he had a few drinks. And, Gray had to admit, it was nice waking up to the sound of Natsu making breakfast. His own apartment was too quiet. 

“I honestly don’t mind,” Natsu said softly, pointing to the cupboard for Gray to take out some plates. They both stacked up their pancakes and sat in silence for a moment, enjoying the food. 

“You’re amazing at this,” Gray said eventually around a mouthful of food. “I’m terrible at making pancakes. I always burn them.” 

“’s ‘cause you’re impatient,” Natsu replied, nudging Gray with his elbow. “I mean, it’s not like I make pancakes often. No point in putting in the effort just for me.” He looked down at his plate and made patterns in the syrup with his fork. 

“Does that mean I’m special?” Gray joked. Natsu coughed and reached out for his coffee, taking a huge gulp. He stood up quickly and grabbed both their plates, taking them over to the sink and rinsing them. 

“So, you heading to your parent’s today?” Natsu asked as he wiped down the counter. His hair curled around the back of his neck and he grabbed an elastic from the basket on the counter, tying it back in a small ponytail. Gray blinked. 

“Wow.” Natsu looked up at him, frowning. “No, you just... you look different. I’ve never seen you with your hair up.” Natsu laughed, brushing his bangs aside. 

“Ah, Lucy keeps telling me I need a haircut but I’m too lazy.” 

“No, you...” Gray paused. “It looks good. Suits you.” 

“Thanks.” 

There was a strange pause that made Gray feel slightly unsettled, until he remembered Natsu’s previous question. “Oh, yeah, no, I’m not going to my parent’s, they’re apparently going to some kind of bocce tournament.” He rolled his eyes. “They have more of a social life than I do.” 

That wasn’t really true, he mused. Not anymore. He’d been spending more time with Natsu, even outside of Friday evenings. They’d gone out for dinner a couple times, and once to the winter market. Another time Natsu had been given some free football tickets from work and they’d gone to the game, braving the cold even though neither of them particularly cared about the sport.

“So what, I don’t count as a social life?” Natsu teased. Gray rolled his eyes and stood up, grabbing a dishtowel and taking the plates from Natsu. 

“I guess you do,” he replied, stacking the dishes in the cupboard. He yawned, stretching, then looked at his watch and shrugged. “I have no idea why I’m even looking at the time,” he admitted. Natsu laughed, grabbing his cup of coffee and heading back over to the couch. 

“I, ah, I’m not doing anything today either,” he said, shoving the blankets out of the way. He looked so much younger in his baggy shirt and pajama pants. “Do you like board games?” Gray contemplated the question. 

“I don’t  _not_ like board games,” he said eventually. “Although Charades turns into an Olympic level event at my parent’s house.” Natsu laughed. “Why?” 

“Oh, there’s this – I saw it the other day after work, this board game café? It opened up right next to my work and looked kinda fun.” He glanced up at Gray, looking so different with his hair pulled back. “You, uh, wanna try it out?” 

* * *

Instead of going home, which was nearly a half-hour drive from Natsu’s apartment, Gray just showered at Natsu’s, borrowing a clean shirt. When he finished getting dressed he noticed that the familiar coconut scent was now following him around. It was nice. 

His phone buzzed as he was brushing his teeth and he picked it up, seeing a text from Cana.  _You wanna come here for supper tonight since mom and dad are busy?_ He bit down on the toothbrush, using both hands to reply. 

_Sorry, Natsu and I are going out. Maybe Tuesday?_

It was several minutes before she replied.  _Did you spend the night with him again?_

Gray frowned. Cana had never been nosy about his friendship with Natsu before, and even though it was only a text, it felt somehow... accusatory. 

 _Yeah, I’m here every Friday,_  he replied.  _Decided to go out this evening too. Why?_ She didn’t respond, and eventually he shrugged, shoving his phone in his pocket and heading into the living room where Natsu was waiting to leave. 

The café was enormous and busy, but they managed to find a small table in the corner and dig through the huge stack of games until they found something that took less than hour to set up.

“Unfortunately for you, I have a market.” Natsu grinned, dropping the card in the middle of the board. “Which gives me ten points, which I  _believe_ makes me the winner.” He raised his eyebrows at Gray, and added, “again.” 

“Son of a bitch,” Gray sighed, dropping his cards and shaking his head. “Either you’re some sort of freakish prodigy, or I’m just terrible at anything that involves cards.” Natsu snorted, collecting the pieces and setting them back in the game box. He’d won all of the games they’d played so far, with the exception of Pandemic, which they both lost horribly.  

“I’m gonna go with prodigy,” he said, settling the lid back on the box and then taking a sip of his coffee. “Can you believe they have a game here called ‘Sexy Truth or Dare’?” Gray’s eyes widened. “Who would play that in public?” 

“Obviously someone,” Gray said, shrugging. “People are weird.” Natsu hummed in agreement, leaning forward on his elbows. 

“Looks like they’re gonna kick us out pretty quick,” he said, nodding over to one of the employees who was not-so-discreetly mopping the floor. Gray looked at his watch and realized it was nearly seven o’clock. “I guess we’d better get outta here.” 

“I guess,” Gray said reluctantly. It was getting harder, he noticed. Harder to leave the lively, entertaining, warm company of his friend and go back to his cold, lonely apartment. 

He sighed as they got into his car, waiting for the heat to kick in so they wouldn’t freeze. As they pulled away from the café and headed up the road towards Natsu’s place, the content, euphoric sensation that Gray had been feeling all day began to dissipate. He didn’t want it to. He needed it. 

Looking up at the signs above the overpass, his eyes were drawn to the exit. He knew Natsu's apartment was straight ahead, just across the river, but that wasn’t where he wanted to go. That would mean saying goodnight and going home to darkness and silence and loneliness. Before he could stop himself, he flicked on his signal and swerved into the other lane to take the exit off into the country. 

Natsu was silent for several seconds. “This isn’t the way home,” he said eventually, but his voice held no confusion or concern. Gray hummed. 

“I know,” he said quietly. Natsu didn’t argue as he pulled off onto one of the roads that were fenced on either side by enormous trees. The branches reached towards each other at the top, forming an arch of tangled fingers. Gray sighed contentedly – he loved driving out here. It was quiet and peaceful, no messy traffic jams or honking horns, just trees and grass and sky. 

The sun was starting to set, a rich orange bleeding from the sky across the snowy farmer’s fields and reflecting from wisps of cloud. Natsu leaned his head against the window, looking pensive as the light washed over his face and colorful hair. 

“What’s wrong?” Gray asked, finally breaking the quiet. They hadn’t turned on any music, and had been driving in a comfortable silence for the last half hour. Natsu turned to him with a contemplative look, then glanced back at the road. 

“I wanna go somewhere,” he said after a moment. “If you don’t mind. And I’ll... I can explain it when we get there?” He chewed on his bottom lip. Gray frowned at the odd request, then shrugged. He couldn’t think of any reason to say no. 

“All right,” he said, smiling at the bright look on Natsu’s face. “Where to?” 

“Just... take your next left.” 

* * *

Gray followed Natsu’s directions for nearly an hour, winding through roads that were sometimes paved, sometimes gravel. The car shook underneath them and Gray could smell the dust from the rocks that were  _pinging_ against the undercarriage. It was dark now, the sun long past the horizon, and Gray switched on his high beams to see where they were going. It was snowing again, softly, and the flakes drifted in the twin lights in front of the car. 

“Here,” Natsu said, pointing to a dark shape on the right side of the road. Gray slowed down and pulled over, leaving the car running as he peered out the window. It appeared to be a rundown farmhouse – probably abandoned, with rotten beams and a rusted-out car parked beside it. 

“Where’s here?” Gray asked. Natsu laughed, looking fondly at the building. 

“Home,” he replied. “Or, what used to be home. This is where I grew up.” Gray raised his eyebrows. Natsu didn’t talk much about his childhood – neither of them did – and for some reason it made Gray sad to realize he didn’t know this about his friend. 

“When did you move away?” Gray asked. The car was still running, heat blasting on their feet to keep away the mild chill of the evening. 

“I was eleven,” Natsu replied, wiping the condensation from the window so he could peer at the farmhouse again. “Mom died, and dad didn’t want to stay here. It was too much for him, so we moved into the city.” He sighed. ”Looks like it's abandoned now, though. I’d hoped...” he trailed off. 

“You'd hoped...” Gray prompted. 

“I’d been thinking about buying it,” Natsu admitted, turning and looking at Gray. “I know I don’t need it, it’s too big for just me, but... there’s lots of memories.” He looked defeated, shoulders slumped forward and eyes focused on the steering wheel. 

“Where’s the gate?” he asked suddenly. Natsu looked up and frowned. 

“Just... around the corner there, it’s...” he gave Gray a suspicious look. “You’re not—” 

“Why not?” Gray said, pulling out from the edge of the road and making his way to where Natsu had indicated. “If it’s abandoned then nobody’s going to be here. Have you been back?” Natsu shook his head as Gray turned into the driveway, pulling up right next to the gate and turning off the car. He unbuckled his seatbelt and gestured for Natsu to get out. “Come on. Show me home.” 

With the help of the flashlight from Gray’s emergency kit, they made their way through the gate and towards the house. Gray peeked over at Natsu and was immediately glad he’d decided to do this – the childish wonder on his friend’s face was heartwarming. 

“We had a swing set there,” Natsu said, pointing to an empty spot next to the house. Up close it was clear that nobody had been here in a long time – the door was hanging off its hinges and the frame around the windows was nearly rotted through. It didn’t seem to faze Natsu, though. 

“Mom grew strawberries – that was the garden, we had all these vegetables. Carrots were the best, you just kinda rinsed off the dirt and ate them.” He stopped in his tracks as they got closer to the house.

With the flashlight pointed at the house, Gray could see a dilapidated looking sign hanging on one chain that read  _welcome to our home_. Natsu made a soft sound. 

“My mom made that,” he said quietly. He knelt next to it, running his fingers over the flaking paint. “She loved to paint – she did dragons on the walls of my bedroom.” His fingers explored the chain and managed to wiggle it loose, pulling the sign off the post. “I don’t think anyone will notice,” he said, giving Gray a smile. 

“You don’t talk about her,” Gray said suddenly. It was true – Natsu had spoken about his parents only a handful of times, and had never given details other than that his mother had died of cancer when he was young. 

Natsu sighed, tipping his head back and gazing up at the sky. “Look at the stars,” he whispered. Gray looked up and was immediately overwhelmed. There were  _millions_ of them, spilled across a backdrop of inky black, stretching out in every direction as far as he could see. It was dizzying. “Hey, do you have a blanket?” 

Five minutes later they were sitting on the hood of Gray’s car, shoulders pressed together as they leaned back against the windshield to stare at the sky. 

“I can’t even pick out constellations,” Gray murmured, lost in the mesmerizing patterns of bright on dark. “There’s too many of them.” Natsu hummed next to him. 

“I miss this,” he said softly. “It was always so quiet out here, and...” he hesitated, then sighed. “I miss my mom.” 

Gray turned to look at Natsu, nudging him with his shoulder. “What was she like?” 

“She was... amazing.” 

Natsu continued to talk as the night grew darker – more words than Gray had ever heard him say at once. Even after their positions became uncomfortable and Gray couldn’t feel his fingers, he didn’t want to get up and leave. This, here, cold and cramped under the stars, was a thousand times better than all of his nights alone.

* * *

Three days later, Cana showed up at Gray’s apartment with her hands on her hips and a dangerous glint in her eye. 

“We need to talk.” 

Gray frowned, gesturing for her to come inside. 

“That’s a bit dramatic,” he said, stepping into the kitchen. “Coffee?” She nodded and he began to fill up the pot, looking at her curiously. She returned the gaze, chewing her lip in contemplation as she sat on the back of the couch. 

“So, I know you’re not an idiot,” she began. Gray snorted, filling the coffee machine and turning it on. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. 

“I’d like to think I’m not,” he said slowly when she didn’t continue. “Cana, what’s going on?” They’d never been ones for deep, personal talks, and the look in her eyes was making Gray nervous. 

“I can’t believe I have to tell you this,” she muttered, then looked straight at Gray. “You’re in love with your best friend and you can’t see it.” 

Gray blinked. The complicated feeling in his chest that he’d been ignoring for so long reared its head, and he felt his stomach drop. In love? With...

“Natsu?” He shook his head, laughing. Cana gave him a look that clearly said  _yes_. “Cana, that’s ridiculous. I’m not gay.” He tried to keep his voice steady, but the floor suddenly felt like it was moving under his feet, black-and-white tiles swimming in his vision. “I like women. Amy and I... we … seventeen years, Cana, I’m not...” The words were jumbled, he couldn’t get them out properly.

“Just because you love her doesn’t mean you can’t love him,” Cana said gently. She motioned for Gray to come over to the couch, but he couldn’t let go of the counter because if he did, his legs would give out. What was happening? A million feelings were exploding in his chest and he couldn’t keep them straight. 

“He’s... my friend.” Gray shook his head, trying to shake off the sensation that something was deeply out of place. 

“Gray,” Cana said, standing and moving into the kitchen. The coffee had finished brewing and was hissing behind him. Why were his hands so cold? “You stay over at his place every week. You brought him to Christmas. You spend all your time together... when you talk about him, your face... it changes. You’re bright. Happy.” 

“But I’m not gay,” he said shakily, running his hands through his hair. “I’m not... not a teenager, I’m forty-three years old. I’ve never liked men.”  

“Maybe it’s just him,” Cana suggested. “You never cared for women except for Amy either. But you can’t pretend the feelings aren’t there.” She reached out and touched the back of his hand. “I know you’re lonely. I know you miss her, but Gray, Amy would un—” 

“Don’t,” Gray hissed, snatching his hand away and backing up until his shoulders hit the fridge. There was nowhere to go. “That’s not the same.” His chest ached and he struggled to breathe. This wasn’t the same. She was different. “I can’t.” His voice broke on the last word.

“You have to.” Cana leaned forward, trying to force him to make eye contact. “It’s been five years, and I know you’re never going to  _move on,_ that’s not a thing, she’ll always be part of you. But you can let him be part of you too.” There was a long silence. “She would want you to be happy.” 

“Don’t tell me what she would want!” Gray yelled, anger flaring up in his chest. He balled his hands into fists, exhaling sharply. “You don’t know any—” 

“She was my family too!” Cana shouted. Gray stared at her, stunned by the hurt in her eyes. “You weren’t the only fucking person who loved her, you asshole!” And then Cana was crying, wiping angrily at her face. “I miss her too. So do mom and dad. But I can’t just sit here and watch you throw away something that could be fucking amazing because of your stupid guilt. She wouldn’t be mad and you  _know_ it. Do you know how many times she told me that she wanted you to be happy after she was gone?” 

Gray’s stomach ached and he felt his own tears falling, but he couldn’t bring himself to wipe them away. She... he’d never...

“But...” 

“You’re making excuses,” Cana continued, voice still shaky. “You’re making up reasons not to believe it but you  _know,_ deep down, that I’m right.” She sighed. ”It’s been six months. And if it was just him pining after you I wouldn’t have said anything, but you clearly feel the same way about him.” 

“Him... what?”  

“Oh, Gray,” Cana said, shaking her head. “You’re so dumb sometimes. Of course he’s in love with you. He’s just not acting on it because he thinks you’re straight and he doesn’t want to lose his best friend.” 

“I  _am_ straight,” Gray protested. “I’ve...” All the uncomfortable feelings, the pieces of him that got mixed up around Natsu, the things he pushed away and tried not to think about, summoned up a thousand memories. Natsu’s soft smile, his pink hair, the way he moved around the kitchen in the mornings. The comforting scent of his shampoo on the pillow, the way their feet touched when they watched movies, the ridiculous way he laughed when he stepped on Gray’s feet during dance class. “Shit. Fuck.” 

“Gray, it’s okay.” Cana reached over and put a hand on his elbow. “You deserve to be happy. He makes you happy.” She squeezed his arm. “But you’re being selfish.” 

“...what?” Gray couldn’t stop crying.

“You’re taking everything from him that you took from Amy, and you’re not giving anything back, and he’s just going along with it ‘cause he’s stupid and in love with you and cares about you as a person.” 

“He...” Gray’s fingers clenched on the countertop. Was that true? He thought about the dancing, him sleeping over, their breakfasts together, the soft warmth of Natsu against him while they watched movies. “Shit.” They’d basically been dating this whole time. “Fuck, shit... you’re...” 

“Of course I’m right,” Cana said, voice soft. She reached out a hand and Gray took it, hesitantly, and let her pull him into a hug. “It’s okay,” she sighed as he leaned into her, shaking, unable to control his tears. “You can do both. You can grieve and miss her and be happy with him at the same time.” 

“H-how?” he asked, chest tight. “I don’t... I didn’t mean to...” 

“I know you didn’t,” Cana replied. She put a hand to his hair like she’d done when he was little and had fallen and scraped his knee, and he sighed. “But you need to figure out how to make it right.” 


	5. and this gray spirit yearning in desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gray sorts through his feelings and figures out how to tell Natsu.

Gray took the next few days off work. He’d banked enough vacation hours to take two  _months_ of holidays, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate if he went in. 

He sat on the couch in his pajamas, holding a cup of coffee and staring at the blank TV. Was he really in love with Natsu? Cana had made it seem so obvious – so many examples of times he’d been an idiot and missed what was right in front of his face. Her words were still settling in his mind, hard and sharp and complicated. 

_Just because you love her doesn’t mean you can’t love him_

Gray glanced up at the small box sitting in the top of the hall closet, the one he only brought out when he was feeling particularly lonely. He hadn’t looked at it in a while.  _Goddamnit_ _,_ he thought, dropping his head into his hands.  _I wasn’t lonely because I was busy falling in love._

He stood slowly, taking shaky steps to the closet and reaching up for the box. It was cedar, with intricate patterns carved into the lid. They’d made it during one of those stupid couple’s workshops that one of their friends had talked them into, and Gray still had a scar on his thumb to match the divot on the side of the box. 

Grabbing his coffee from the table, he took the box into the bedroom and settled onto the bed. Even though it had been years, it still felt strange to be in here without her. The bed was cold at night, and there were so many mornings that he’d rolled over to pull her close and there had been nothing but an empty space. A memory. 

_She would want you to be happy._

Setting down his coffee, he opened the box. A photo lay on the very top and he picked it up hesitantly, then turned it towards him and let out a breath he’d been holding all morning. 

Amy was radiant – her smile had always been contagious. Her dress was made of delicate lace, trailing behind her over the grass, and her long hair spilled over her shoulders as she stood on tiptoes to kiss Gray. 

His heart ached. Gray dropped his head and let the grief wash over him, stronger than it had been in a long time. He couldn’t breathe - there was a hole inside of him that couldn’t be filled no matter how many years went by. His wedding ring sat in the bottom of the box, heavy and gold, and he couldn’t bring himself to touch it. It wasn't real anymore. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, words catching in his throat. Gods, what would she think? “I do... I miss you every day.” He sniffed, rubbing his face and gazing at the photo again. “I think about you - every time I walk past that park, I remember you in your dress.” He swallowed, putting his face in his hands. “But... I’m... feeling things.“ 

_She'll always be a part of you, but you can let him be a part of you too._

He ground his teeth as the words struggled to escape. How could he do this to her? He had promised to be hers and only hers, forever. But...

 _Don’t be lonely._ In her last few days, they’d been sitting together on the porch swing, and she’d smiled and told him to move on. At the time he’d ignored her words, shaken his head, held her in his arms. But the words were coming back now, her voice soft and gentle in his head.  _Don’t_ _be lonely. Remember me, but don’t hide yourself away from the world. You deserve more than just a memory._

“Amy, I’m...” He was crying now, hot tears slipping down his cheeks. He had to say it, had to tell her. As if whispering words to an old photograph would give him permission to feel this way. It couldn’t stay hidden any longer. He sighed. “I love him, Ames.” 

* * *

The rest of the week passed by in a hazy blur. Gray went back to work on Wednesday, but spent most of his time sitting at the computer, staring at his screen and thinking about Natsu. 

 _Do you ever feel afraid?_ Natsu’s question from Christmas preoccupied his mind, filling him with guilt and regret. Natsu had said he was afraid of being alone, but Gray could see now that what he’d really been saying was  _I’m afraid of you never seeing me as anything more than a friend._

Was that what he wanted, to be with Natsu as more than a friend? Gray knew he had... feelings. He didn’t normally think about men this way, but Cana had helped him realize that Natsu was incredibly important to him. Did he want to do this, though? The idea of starting something – taking a step, reaching out, admitting that he wanted this – was terrifying.

His stomach churned as he thought about what Natsu was going through – how he cared for Gray fiercely and showed it in so many little ways. How he’d been so loving and given so much of himself, expecting nothing in return. 

Gray was going to fix that. 

Friday came quicker than he expected, and before he knew it they were dancing, moving together in smooth steps now that Natsu was used to them. Gray prayed that his palms weren’t sweating – the second he’d seen Natsu he’d felt like he was going to faint. 

“You good for pizza?” Natsu asked after class as they walked up the hill to Gray’s car. Gray nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. How was he going to do this? Here? Now? That was a terrible idea. He’d wait until they got to Natsu’s place instead. 

Yet now they were here and Gray still hadn’t said anything. 

“What, um, what are we watching tonight?” he asked, wishing his voice wasn’t so shaky. He sat on the couch, bouncing his knee nervously. His hands were sweating so badly that he’d been constantly wiping them on his jeans – hopefully Natsu hadn’t noticed.  

“Hmmm.” Natsu scanned the movie shelf, apparently oblivious to Gray’s nervousness. “Terminator?” He turned around to look at Gray, eyebrow raised. “You okay?” Maybe not so oblivious after all. 

“What? Yes. Yeah, all good. Fine.” Gray swallowed, trying to maintain eye contact with Natsu. “It’s good. Terminator’s good.” Natsu frowned and Gray sighed. “Sorry. Work was... a lot today. Just tired, that’s all.” The words were there, he’d been thinking of them all week. So why couldn’t he just  _say it?_

“Well, luckily this movie doesn’t require much brainpower to follow,” Natsu said, popping in the DVD and then settling down on the couch next to Gray. Their thighs were already touching and Gray felt heat creeping into his cheeks. Had Natsu been doing this on purpose the whole time? Was Gray really that big of an idiot? 

As the movie started, Gray felt hyperaware of his body and the places it touched Natsu’s. Their feet rested together on the table, brushing slightly when either of them shifted. Natsu’s hands were in his  lap and suddenly Gray couldn’t remember where he usually put his. Did he cross his arms? No, that would be weird. Should he... 

Natsu made a comment about the movie that Gray didn’t hear, and he pretended to laugh, instead noticing how Natsu shifting meant that they were now touching from shoulder to elbow. Gray’s hand was on his own thigh now, inches from Natsu's leg. He could feel his heart pounding, and could almost  _feel_ the indecisiveness running through his mind. 

He took a deep breath disguised as a yawn, trying to clear his mind and make a decision. Should he take a step? Should he pretend he didn’t feel anything because that was safe? Should he—  _Shut up, brain._ He ground his teeth in resolve and made his decision. 

He shuffled on the couch, pretending to rearrange his legs, and in the process moved his hand until he was touching Natsu’s thigh. Just two fingers, but he swore he could feel Natsu tense next to him. Part of Gray screamed at him to pull his hand away now,  _end this, you couldn’t possibly be this way because you like women and he’s your best friend and—_

Natsu’s fingers brushed his. A shock ran up Gray’s arm and straight into his chest, and he exhaled shakily, trying to keep it hidden. Without moving his head, he glanced down at their hands to confirm that they were, indeed, touching. He swallowed. Should he leave it here? Keep going? What did he want? 

He had to be brave _._ Gray slid his hand a tiny bit closer to Natsu’s, trying to make the motion seem accidental, and brushed his pinkie over the side of Natsu’s hand. He felt Natsu’s shaky exhale that time, and a moment later Natsu had nudged two of his fingers under Gray’s. Another small movement and Natsu’s hand was beneath his, his fingers resting lightly over the other man’s knuckles. 

Gray’s chest lit up with bursts of excitement and he cursed himself inwardly – what were they, teenagers? But he ignored that part of him, instead bringing his fingers down between Natsu’s and curling their hands together. 

Okay. They were officially holding hands. That was— this was okay. Gray could handle this. But then Natsu drew his thumb up the side of Gray’s hand and he couldn’t help the tiny moan that escaped his lips. How could this feel so good? How could he be forty-three years old and nearly be having a heart attack about holding hands? 

Gray concentrated on the movie for just a second, trying to figure out how much time was left. They were still close to the beginning of the film. Perfect. Sitting here, feeling Natsu breathe against him, his fingers tracing soft circles on Gray’s palm – he hadn’t felt this content in a long, long time. The confused, frustrated feeling in his chest was slowly melting, replaced by a sense of  _right_. 

Natsu shifted again, stretching, and Gray was amazed by how easy it was for him to release Natsu’s hand and put an arm around his shoulder instead. Natsu sighed, shuffling closer until he was cuddled up against Gray’s side, and took Gray’s other hand in his own. He set it palm up in his lap and continued to draw soft patterns with his fingertips that made Gray shiver. 

Gray closed his eyes, not even pretending to pay attention to the movie anymore. His body felt so  _alive,_ responding to the gentle touches, the way Natsu’s body pressed against his, the scent of his shampoo as Gray buried his face in Natsu’s hair. This was it. This was love. It was how he’d felt when he first met Amy, curled up in his crappy apartment on the cheap futon watching terrible romantic comedies because he just wanted to be  _near_ her. 

And now he wanted Natsu. Wanted to see him every day, to be near him, to make pancakes with him and watch the way his face transformed when he laughed. Gray wanted to be close to him, to touch him, to sleep in his bed curled up together, legs tangled in the sheets.  _This was love._

The movie came to an end far too soon, and they both sat there for a long while, looking at the black screen and holding each other. Gray didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to look into Natsu’s eyes and have to deal with the feelings behind this. But they could only put it off for so long.

“Hey,” he whispered, pressing their heads together and squeezing Natsu gently. “C’mere.” 

Natsu sat up reluctantly, Gray’s arm still around his shoulders, and suddenly they were nearly cheek to cheek. They were so close, closer than they’d ever been – Natsu's eyelashes were so  _long_. Gray could count every freckle that dotted his nose and cheeks, and could feel Natsu’s soft breath on his face. Brown eyes locked onto Gray’s, wide and hopeful, and Gray’s chest filled with contentment as he leaned in slowly and pressed their lips together. 

Gray’s uncertainty about kissing a man was banished as soon as they touched, Natsu’s hand coming up to brush across his cheek. Then Gray’s fingers were running through his pink hair, tipping Natsu’s jaw slightly and kissing him deeper. It was different than Amy – a slight pang ran through Gray and he let it wash over him, coming back to the present. 

The angle of the kiss was uncomfortable, and before Gray could think about it, his hands were on Natsu’s hips, nudging him to straddle Gray’s legs. Then they were pressed back together, Natsu’s hands on Gray’s chest, kissing desperately and letting out little gasps and moans into each other's mouths. Gray’s hands ran up and down Natsu’s back, pulling him in and hoping he understood –  _I'm sorry it took me so long._

“Gray.” Natsu exhaled his name as he pulled back slowly, hands still firmly on Gray’s chest. His cheeks were flushed pink, and he looked down at Gray with wide, uncertain eyes. “Gray, what... I thought...” 

Gray shook his head, running his fingers through Natsu’s hair and his other hand up and down Natsu's thigh. The words were sticking in his throat but he fought against it. He needed to explain, to apologize, to make this right. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, I was an idiot, and I couldn’t see— couldn’t see you. And I didn’t...” He felt tears pressing against his eyes and he let out a soft laugh. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I know I did, but...” 

“I don’t...” Natsu spoke slowly, not moving from his position. He looked at Gray, brows furrowed. ”I didn’t think... I mean, I’d hoped.” His cheeks were still pink and he dropped his gaze. “But you weren’t interested in... in men, and I didn’t want to—” 

“I am.” Gray reached up and touched Natsu’s face, running a thumb over his cheekbone. “I mean, not  _men_ , but you.” He sighed. “I’ve been such an idiot, and Cana finally called me on it. And I was...  _fuck_ , I was leading you on and I didn’t even realize?” 

“It’s okay,” Natsu started to say, but Gray interrupted him. 

“No, it’s not.” He took both of Natsu’s hands in his own and looked at him, into his eyes that were full of uncertainty. “Since I met you, my life’s been... bright again. I don’t feel like everything’s brok...” He swallowed, trying to keep from crying. “I feel alive when I’m with you. And I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure this out.” Natsu squeezed his hands and a small smile crept across his face. 

“So you...” He hesitated. 

“Yeah,” Gray replied, pulling Natsu down against him until they were holding each other tightly. Natsu fit here, against him. “You make everything so much better.” He kissed Natsu’s cheek, not letting go. “I didn’t think I could ever love anyone else, but—”

Natsu sucked in a sharp breath, pulling back from the embrace. “You...” His eyes were wide. 

“Yeah,” Gray said quietly, hands shaking and breath unsteady. “All this time I’ve been... I was falling in love with you.” He looked up at Natsu. “You don’t have to feel the same, it’s—”

“I do,” Natsu interrupted. “But you...” He swallowed. “The... sex thing.” He dropped his eyes down to his hands. “I mean, I like this.” He gestured between the two of them. “Kissing, and cuddling, but I don’t - I don’t want anything else. I can’t. And I’ve never met anyone who’s... okay with that.” 

Gray sighed, gently nudging Natsu off his thighs and shuffling until they were lying on the couch, facing each other. 

“This might sound strange, but I don’t...” he sighed. “With Amy, yeah. We had sex. I wanted it.” He winced, feeling a pang of guilt for bringing it up.

“Hey, don’t ever be sorry for talking about her,” Natsu said gently, clasping Gray’s hand and holding it between them. “I know you still love her.” Gray smiled a bit. 

“I do,” he admitted, then reached over and brushed Natsu’s wild hair out of his face. “But I think there’s room for both of you in here.” He took Natsu’s hand and placed it over his heart. “And the sex thing. Like I said, with her I wanted it. But now, this... I feel...” 

He sighed, trying to figure out how to put it in words. He was attracted to Natsu, obviously – he could appreciate his lips and his eyes and, apparently, his ass. And he did want to kiss him, and hold him, and be with him. But he didn’t want anything more than that. 

“That’s not something I want anymore,” he said eventually. “And I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man, or because It's just something I don’t need.” He looked at Natsu, who was smiling at him softly. “I like kissing you, though. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah,” Natsu said, squeezing Gray’s hand. “I like that. And this – the cuddling – I like that too. But—” 

“Then we’ll stick to kissing,” Gray murmured, pulling Natsu in and pressing their lips together. 

* * *

It was July by the time Gray felt ready to take Natsu out to the cemetery.

It wasn’t far out of town, but Gray was quiet the whole drive there. He gripped Natsu’s hand tightly, focusing on the play of sunlight off the hood of the car. Natsu was quiet too, giving Gray sideways glances every once in a while. He twined their fingers together, rubbing his thumb comfortingly over Gray’s. 

When they parked, Gray didn’t move. He held the car keys tightly in his hand, feeling the sharp metal ridges and trying to figure out what he was feeling. His chest ached. Was this a good idea? Were they moving too fast? It had been six months, but what would she think? Would she know he still lov-

“I can wait in the car.” Natsu’s gentle voice pierced his frantic thoughts and Gray looked up, overwhelmed by the soft look in Natsu’s eyes. He looked handsome in his button-down with the rolled-up sleeves, and Gray didn’t feel strange at the idea of calling Natsu  _handsome_ anymore. He  _was_ handsome. Gray loved him. That was okay. 

“No.” He shook his head, reaching out for Natsu’s hand again and squeezing it tightly. “I want you to come. Please?” Natsu smiled and brought their hands to his lips, kissing Gray’s knuckles before undoing his seatbelt and stepping out of the car. 

It wasn’t a large cemetery. Her family lived out of town and had been interred here for generations, so it had made sense for her to join them. At first, Gray had visited often, but as time went on it had been too difficult. He hadn’t been here since February.  

They held hands as they made their way through the headstones, picking their way carefully around flowers and other things left for loved ones. When Gray saw Amy’s plot, a piece of his heart broke like it did every time he came here.  _Gods,_ he missed her. Natsu squeezed his hand and he leaned his head briefly on the other man’s shoulder. 

“Hey, Ames.” He let go of Natsu’s hand and crouched down, setting down the flowers they’d brought and running his fingers over the inscription.  _Amy Kathleen_ _Fullbuster_ _, 1980-2013._  Gray dropped his head, letting the heavy wave of grief wash over him, holding himself still against the pain. “I miss you.” 

Natsu moved to take a step back but Gray shook his head, standing again and taking Natsu’s arm in his. He looked down at the headstone again and took a shaky breath. 

“I miss you, Ames, so much. I think about you every day.” He took a deep breath. “But you told me to be happy.” His voice broke and he covered his eyes with his other hand. “You s-said not to hide and I... I didn’t listen to for so long. It hurt too much.” A soft sob broke out of his chest and Natsu wrapped an arm around him, squeezing him tightly. The warmth and solidness grounded him. “I missed you, and I was so sad, and so lonely. But...” He paused, leaning his head against Natsu’s. ”I found someone.” 

The cemetery was silent for a moment, and then the clouds parted, spilling sunlight over them and the brilliant yellow flowers of the farmer’s fields beyond the fence. Gray tipped his head up and felt the warmth on his cheeks, and while he wasn’t a superstitious man, he wanted so badly for it to be a sign that she approved. 

“This is Natsu,” he said after a minute, voice hoarse. “I think you’d like him. He makes great pancakes, and he’s a terrible dancer.” Natsu huffed with laughter and squeezed Gray tightly. “And he...” Gray turned and pressed his face into Natsu’s neck, letting out another sob. “He makes me feel like I’m not alone, and I love him.” 

The tears came freely now and Natsu held him through it, coaxing Gray into the circle of his arms and stroking his hair as he cried. Gray clutched Natsu’s shirt, letting the other man shoulder some of the grief that overwhelmed him. They stood there for several minutes until Gray’s sobs subsided and he was able to stand up and wipe his face. 

“I’ll always love you, Ames,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around himself. “That won’t ever change, but I can love him, too. And I thin--no, I know you’d understand.” He closed his eyes, picturing her wide smile, her dark curls, the way her hair smelled when he hugged her tight. In his mind she kissed his cheek, whispered  _it’s okay, I love you always,_ then stepped quietly back into the shadows while he leaned against Natsu and smiled. 


	6. to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a year and a half together, Gray has a surprise for Natsu.

“Y’know, this kinda seems like something out of a bad horror movie.” Natsu sat in the front seat of the car, pulling at the blindfold covering his eyes. Gray reached over and grabbed his hand, twining their fingers together so he couldn’t disturb it. 

“Look, I promise I’m not taking you out to murder you,” he said, taking a left at the intersection and feeling his stomach start to churn with both excitement and anxiety. The sun was brilliant today and he squinted, gazing out over the yellow fields of canola. “Stop pulling at it, we’re almost there.” 

“That’s what you said twenty minutes ago,” Natsu teased. Even with the blindfold blocking his vision, he tipped his head back and sighed happily in the sunlight.  

“It’ll be worth it.”  

“I know,” Natsu replied, smiling and squeezing Gray’s hand. Those simple words stilled the anxiety in Gray’s chest and flooded him with a warm sense of contentment. Natsu trusted him. Natsu loved him. Even after a year and a half together, Natsu could still make him feel this way.

The smooth road eventually gave way to gravel and Gray slowed down, pulling up next to their destination. He got out and opened Natsu’s door, helping him up and kissing him on the cheek. 

“We’re here.” 

“Where’s he—“

Natsu stopped mid-sentence as Gray stepped behind him and undid the blindfold, dropping it to the ground. Gray hovered hesitantly, excited yet anxious. 

“This…” 

They were at the farm. Instead of the dilapidated buildings that had been here a year ago, everything was neat and tidy. The fence had been repaired, the house repainted, and the garden raked out and ready to plant. The trees surrounding the property were lush and green, and cast shadows on the ground as the light trickled through them. 

“Gray… what did you…” Natsu turned to him, face running through a hundred different emotions. He looked back and forth between Gray and the house, hands moving uncertainly at his sides. Gray grabbed them, stepping in front of Natsu. 

“It’s ours,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise but maybe that wasn’t the best id—“ 

Natsu pulled him in and kissed him, soft and sweet and full of affection. He brought a hand up to Gray’s hair and another to his hip, and tugged Gray forward until they were pressed against each other. Gray melted into the touch, putting both his arms around Natsu’s neck and playing with his hair.  

“Oh my god,” Natsu whispered eventually, pulling back a bit and looking over at the house again. “You… it’s ours? We’re gonna…” 

“I bought the property a while back and had someone come fix up the house,” Gray said, suddenly shy. “I did the fence and the garden myself, but you have to help me plant things because I have no idea where anything goes.” 

Natsu choked out a laugh, tears starting to trail down his cheeks. He brought a hand to his mouth, turning to Gray and burying his face in the soft fabric of his sweater. 

“We’re gonna live here?” He whispered, letting Gray wrap an arm around him. 

“Yeah,” Gray said softly, kissing the top of Natsu’s head. “If you want to.” 

“If I want— of course I want to, this is… I can’t believe you did this for me.” Natsu wiped his face, then grabbed Gray’s hand and tugged him towards the gate. When he saw the sign he nearly burst into tears again. He had touched it up a while back, planning to keep it at the apartment, but Gray had secretly snuck it out here a few weeks ago. 

_welcome_ _to our home_

Natsu practically ran to the house, pushing the door open and exhaling shakily at the renovations. There was new hardwood, and the walls had been repainted in the same colors. He kicked his shoes off and left Gray behind as he ran up and down the hallways and peeked into each room. 

Gray smiled, moving into the kitchen and looking out the window into the front yard. The blue sky stretched forever past the trees, and he felt an incredible sense of peace. This felt so right. 

He let out an  _oof_ as Natsu’s arms wrapped around his waist from behind. “I love you so much,” Natsu murmured, kissing the side of Gray’s neck. “This is... I don’t even know where to start.” He pressed his forehead to Gray’s back, tightening his arms. 

“How about a kiss?” Gray teased, turning around in the embrace and tipping Natsu’s chin up. Natsu hummed, pressing Gray against the counter as they kissed. It sent a thrill through Gray, just like every time they touched, like there were new pieces of them that hadn’t explored each other yet. 

“You even fixed up this piece of junk,” Natsu said as they separated, gesturing to the old radio that sat on the windowsill. Gray laughed, turning around and fiddling with the dial. “I used to listen to those old horror stories on that thing. Scared me so bad I ended up sleeping with my parents.” 

Gray pushed one of the buttons and moved the slider again. “It might not work, we won’t get very good reception out here.” There was a burst of sound and he adjusted it carefully, then tentatively moved his hand away.

“Oh my god,” Natsu whispered. The radio had managed to pick up a signal after all, and a soft, familiar song was playing. Natsu reached around Gray and turned up the volume, then leaned back and gave Gray a brilliant smile. “You know what this is?” 

“Yeah,” Gray said, shaking his head and laughing. “First song we danced to.” It felt like so long ago when they’d met, awkward and lonely and tripping over each other. And now... 

“Come dance with me,” Natsu said, taking Gray’s hand and stepping back into the center of the kitchen. They slipped into familiar positions as they came together, eyes fixed on each other, feet moving smoothly across the floor. Natsu stumbled and Gray caught him, pulling him tight and kissing his cheek. 

“You’re still a pretty terrible dancer,” he said, and he could feel Natsu laughing against his chest. Gray shifted his hand on Natsu’s hip and kept him steady as they continued their dance. 

They moved together lazily in the afternoon light, exchanging touches, soft words, and softer looks. As the sun filtered through the window, it lit up Natsu’s smile and Gray couldn’t help but kiss it. 

The song changed and they ignored it, lost in each other and the feeling of lips and fingertips. Gray’s heart felt full, a deep contentment that sunk into his heart and thrummed under his skin.  _This was love._ This moment, and the next moment, and every one after that would be theirs. 

Gray smiled as Natsu’s fingers ran gently up his back, lips brushing Gray’s jaw as they swayed. If the rest of the afternoon held more kissing than dancing, Gray certainly wasn’t going to complain.

 

**_Tho_** ** _’ much is taken, much abides; and_** ** _tho_** ** _’_**    
 ** _We are not now that strength which in old days_**    
 ** _Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;_**    
 ** _One equal temper of heroic hearts,_**    
 ** _Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will_**    
 ** _To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield._**    
 ** _\- “Ulysses”, Alfred, Lord Tennyson_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sad that this story is ending. It's been so different than what I usually write and I've felt every word so close to my heart. Thank you to everyone who commented on it, it means so much to me. <3


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